You Are Mine

I walked slowly and hesitantly into the room.  I was desperately trying to soak in all the sights and sounds; the full scope of the moment.  As I stood in the room, I watched the interaction between one child and her parents as she was placed in their arms for the first time.  And as I was observing this miraculous moment unfold, something else, someone else, caught my eye.  There in the row of cribs in the second one from the left was a small movement, a little arm fluttering about.  And as I began to turn my head I knew the tiny, quiet, and unassuming child I was about to behold was mine.  By the time my head had turned, before anyone had pointed me in his direction, I was moving toward the crib. And as I approached the crib, my motherly intuition was correct, it was my child... my Samuel.  I stood over his crib for a few long moments, taking in the sight and gazing wondrously into his dark and innocent eyes.  And then as if holding my breath, hoping the moment would never fade, I reach down and picked him up!

The memory of meeting Samuel for the first time is etched in my mind.  All the smells, sights, sounds, little faces are still there as if the memory was taking place.  And although I can taste the sweetness of that day, there is also so much that leaves my heart heavy and burdened.  The reality is, is that day I saw the moment when "orphan" and "child" collide; the moment when "one without" turns to "one with".

Watching Samuel's transformation from my first glimpse of him up until now is simply amazing, but also humbling.  I expected to have lots to teach this little man, but didn't expect just how much God would quickly use him and his life to teach me.

Becoming a mother is truly a gift, but it's also been very challenging.  I find myself wondering if there is any part of my life that has not been altered by the presence of this new life.  Everything seems to have been impacted.  Questions like, "How do I value, support, and put Quintin before Samuel?", "How do I encourage and love friends in the midst of unexpected spit up and dirty diapers?" or "How do I invest in lives of younger women when my time in God's Word seems meager and often cut short?" race through my mind.  I want to make sense of it.  I want to know exactly how to order my day and my priorities.  And although I haven't gotten the whole answer (I am confident that's not what God intended for me), God has used Samuel to give me an answer that matters.  If I am to be the wife, mother, friend, and mentor God specifically intended and designed me to be (not anyone else), I must first daily rest in and grasp hold of my eternal identity as Beloved Daughter.

The day I met Samuel, almost four months orphaned, there were a number of things about this precious baby that caught my attention.  His hands were continually clenched into two tight fists guarding his chest.  If pried opened they would immediately return to their former position.  He was protecting himself.  He was distrustful and afraid.  If he needed comfort he would place as many fingers in his mouth as he could and suck rigorously, leaving his knuckles raw and scarred.  And what probably alarmed me the most was his lack of expression, not one grin, or for that matter, whimper came from his mouth.  He was an orphan and there was no escaping the evidence.  But what followed has been inescapable as well.  As Samuel was brought into the care of Daddy and Mommy we saw change (and continue to see change).

Two tightly clenched fists have been replaced with open hands and relaxed arms.













Fingers no longer reach for his mouth but reach for the presence of Dad or Mom.













An expressionless face has been replaced with giggles, grunts,
and that's right, some good volumed cries!

This transformation directly seems to address where my heart and hope lie.   Do I seek to fight my own battles and fears, or do I trust in the might of God and look to His love?  Do I sooth myself with comfort from this world or relax in the presence of God's protective wing?  Do I try to figure life out on my own, making fleshly decisions, or do I talk to God... cry out to God?  Do I daily know the goodness of my Heavenly Father?

Oh Father, I confess that my daily inclination is to live life as if I were an orphan, outside of the goodness of your presence and love.  I look to world and to myself for comfort and guidance, but it always leaves me broken and wanting... thirsting.  Thank you for using Samuel's life to remind me of my identity as Beloved Daughter.  May I often curl up into your lap, listen attentively to your truth-filled and life giving words, and may I believe your answer... I can live as wife, daughter, friend, mentor most joyfully and thoughtfully, when I live first AS YOURS!

In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, 

according to the purpose of his will...  Ephesians 1:5